I Beat an Old Lady at Swimming Today, or, I'm Not Competitive - No, Honestly

I went swimming today. When I got in the pool, I was the only person in there. So I popped into the slow lane to practice my newly acquired Underwater Swimming Technique.

After a while my head bobbed above the water, and what should I see but an old lady, who was wearing glasses.

So far, so unusual.

But - to my considerable chagrin - she was limbering up to get into the middle lane.

Yes, the middle lane. Not, thankfully, the butterfly-only fast lane. But still, the middle lane.

And in she gets, swimming with her head above water, so that she's able to see my slightly red, goggly-eyed face as it occasionally rises above the surface. And because my goggles are getting a bit misty (I can't even see as well as the old lady - aren't I cool?), I start to entertain a fantasy that she's not really old at all. Maybe she's just a slightly saggy 30 year old with a retro haircut. But then I rinse my goggles and see that she is - conservatively - twice my age. And while I'm obviously thrilled that this old lady is so fit and healthy (sorry - were you able to hear me say that above the clenching of my teeth? ah, no, I thought not), I am feeling a little self-conscious to be so obviously swimming in the joey lane - and, even worse, to have been doing it with something approaching smugness.

It finally dawns that I can't really tell whether the old lady is swimming faster than me, because I was in the middle of the pool when she got in. It seems like she might be - but, really, that's not conclusive evidence, is it? Luckily, she takes a breather (pah! no stamina), and we start our next length at the same time. As I push away from the side, I try to convince myself that I'm not swimming as fast as I possibly can. Oh no, this is just a leisurely paddle. You should see me when I'm really going for it. Like a fish, me, normally. So, when I reach the end of the pool to turn around, I am obviously extremely gratified to see the old lady is only approaching the halfway point in the pool. By almost killing myself, I have beaten her.

What a brilliant person I am.

Love the Internet, Hate the Internet

For some reason, I woke up today and wanted to listen Haircut 100. I'm not sure why. Possibly it's because the arrival of Autumn has made me want to lie in some leaves wearing an Aran jumper. Or possibly it's because I'm in love with Nick Heyward. (What's 25 years to an unrequited pop star crush?) Or possibly it's because I want to jump around my bedroom to Fantastic Day like I did when I was 8.

So imagine my unmitigated joy when I found this:



And imagine what happened when I saw this:



Why, Nick? Why? What are you doing? You might think you're sniffing a flower, but no! You're crushing my childhood dreams.

*sniff*